Heartache Like No Other

Five years ago, today, my Mom lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. It was a short, but horrific and painful battle. And I miss her dearly.

I have lost pets. I have lost friends. In time, this pain has lessened and gone away. But the pain of losing my Mom, my best friend… this pain is still there. It’s fresh. It’s deep. It’s like having my heart split open all over again.

I miss her so much. Yesterday, after praying the rosary 📿, I started listening to some of my Christian music which I haven’t listened to in awhile. I couldn’t remember why I hadn’t listened to it… and then a song came on: “Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble?” And then I remembered why I haven’t listened to it. My Mom and I used to go to church every Sunday, and we would sing these songs together.

I started crying, then sobbing. Rocking myself back and forth as tears streamed down my face.

Mom, I miss you so much!

My beautiful Mom

Then I looked at the date she died… oh my gosh. Five years. It’s been five long years without her. So much has happened without being able to talk with her. Without being able to pick up the phone and call her, to hear her voice. To be able to hug her, to feel her embrace. To smell her scent. Before the fire, I had her clothes in bags. I was able to smell her scent, and it was like she was there… close to me.

Peace

I still remember when she entered heaven… it was shortly after she died. I was doing dishes, crying, missing her. And a peace hit me in the center of my chest. I cannot even describe the tranquility that touched me in my core. It was something I’ve never experienced before in my life. It lasted for a split second, and I knew. But the peace I felt… it was wonderful… it was the most beautiful thing ever. I wanted it back as soon as it went away. It was better than anything I’ve ever felt.

My Mom Made Me Promise Her

Before my Mom died she made me promise her I wouldn’t end my life. I promised her. I’ve gone through a lot of struggles, and so many times I’ve wanted to end my life… but I did promise my Mom. I also want to see her again.

It’s such a huge heartache to lose my Mom that oftentimes to deal with this pain, I push the memory of her deep down inside of me. That’s the only way I can cope. If I start thinking about her, I start to cry all over again.

It’s the same reason I cannot visit her gravesite. I have visited it sometimes, but not as often as I should. I know if I do, I’ll be sobbing all over again.

Have you lost a parent? How do you cope?

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