My apologies as this is not a happy or loving poem for Valentine’s Day. But when I wrote it I always wondered what those who didn’t have Valentines or loves in their lives felt like on this celebratory day of love would feel like.
I don’t know what year the black cloud started following me. Maybe it follows you, too? Maybe no one has a good day following a good day every day, every week, every month, every year? Maybe life is just hard for everyone.
I look back and it seems that every year as far as I can remember is awful. But there are good days mixed with the bad ones. Maybe this is true of life. Maybe this is true for everyone’s life. I don’t know because I only live my life.
Of course, having the ups and downs of bipolar doesn’t help either. And I don’t know what it’s like to have a good day or a bad day without bipolar because I’ve had this disorder my entire life. Maybe the downs in my life wouldn’t seem so catastrophic if I didn’t have bipolar disorder? And yes, I’m on medications for this, but there isn’t a cure.
Sunshine definitely helps more than rainy gray days. It chases that black cloud away.
My Domicile Has Sprung A Leak
I have been down the last week. The rain hasn’t helped my sadness. It adds to it. Then to be sleeping in my truck and hearing a drip, drip, drip coming from within. Oh, this is not good! My back windows are leaking. I throw up my hands and really start sobbing. Why is this happening to me?! Why can’t I find housing? I’m looking elsewhere, outside of my county. I’ve filled out several applications now, all over the state.
And then I take a deep breath and remember that God will not give me more than I can handle. There are homeless people everywhere in dire straits, in far worse conditions than me. Some don’t have vehicles, or even tents. Some are out in this pouring rain without even a coat.
I recently found out that I could get a membership to Prime for 50% off with my EBT card. For those who don’t know what EBT or SNAP benefits are – they’re food stamps. I still pay for the Prime, but it’s half off. I think this just saved my life. I know this sounds ironic – how can movies save someone’s life? Well, it’s like entering a dreamland during the day. It makes life suck a little less. It passes the time. Especially when it’s raining outside, and there’s literally nothing to do.
When my world seemed to be crashing down, I watched Mockingjaypart II. I wasn’t sure if I had seen it or not. I read all of the Hunger Games books and saw the movies. But again, couldn’t remember if I saw this one. So, I rented it. I paid $3.99 to watch it… and as soon as it started, I remembered that I did in fact watch it. But it was good that I watched it again… because the end of the movie, is what I needed to see. (If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m not going to give anything away.)
I’m Thankful For
My Dad and brother
Hot meals at my father’s home
Hot showers at my father’s house
My pets – Halo, Roscoe, Abygayle
The air that I breathe
The sunshine when it’s not raining
The church parking lot that gives me a safe place to park and electricity
Money that allows me to buy food for my pets, clothes to keep me warm, coffee
My sight that allows me to capture the beauty around me
My hearing (although it’s diminished) to hear the birds and sea lions, my cat when she meows at me, my dogs when they bark.
And Jesus, my Lord, my Savior – who gives me hope. ♥️
Five years ago, today, my Mom lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. It was a short, but horrific and painful battle. And I miss her dearly.
I have lost pets. I have lost friends. In time, this pain has lessened and gone away. But the pain of losing my Mom, my best friend… this pain is still there. It’s fresh. It’s deep. It’s like having my heart split open all over again.
I miss her so much. Yesterday, after praying the rosary 📿, I started listening to some of my Christian music which I haven’t listened to in awhile. I couldn’t remember why I hadn’t listened to it… and then a song came on: “Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble?” And then I remembered why I haven’t listened to it. My Mom and I used to go to church every Sunday, and we would sing these songs together.
I started crying, then sobbing. Rocking myself back and forth as tears streamed down my face.
Mom, I miss you so much!
Then I looked at the date she died… oh my gosh. Five years. It’s been five long years without her. So much has happened without being able to talk with her. Without being able to pick up the phone and call her, to hear her voice. To be able to hug her, to feel her embrace. To smell her scent. Before the fire, I had her clothes in bags. I was able to smell her scent, and it was like she was there… close to me.
I still remember when she entered heaven… it was shortly after she died. I was doing dishes, crying, missing her. And a peace hit me in the center of my chest. I cannot even describe the tranquility that touched me in my core. It was something I’ve never experienced before in my life. It lasted for a split second, and I knew. But the peace I felt… it was wonderful… it was the most beautiful thing ever. I wanted it back as soon as it went away. It was better than anything I’ve ever felt.
My Mom Made Me Promise Her
Before my Mom died she made me promise her I wouldn’t end my life. I promised her. I’ve gone through a lot of struggles, and so many times I’ve wanted to end my life… but I did promise my Mom. I also want to see her again.
It’s such a huge heartache to lose my Mom that oftentimes to deal with this pain, I push the memory of her deep down inside of me. That’s the only way I can cope. If I start thinking about her, I start to cry all over again.
It’s the same reason I cannot visit her gravesite. I have visited it sometimes, but not as often as I should. I know if I do, I’ll be sobbing all over again.