A Lone Valentine

A tear drops

Color splatters

💔

A single red rose

Baby’s breath

Extinguished

💔

Sun swept hair

Sparkling sapphire eyes

Now, smoldering grey

💔

Silk dress, pure

Now, crimson stained

💔

A lone Valentine

💔💔💔

Written by Beth Malbon

February 13, 1998

My apologies as this is not a happy or loving poem for Valentine’s Day. But when I wrote it I always wondered what those who didn’t have Valentines or loves in their lives felt like on this celebratory day of love would feel like.

Black Cloud Following Me

I don’t know what year the black cloud started following me. Maybe it follows you, too? Maybe no one has a good day following a good day every day, every week, every month, every year? Maybe life is just hard for everyone.

I look back and it seems that every year as far as I can remember is awful. But there are good days mixed with the bad ones. Maybe this is true of life. Maybe this is true for everyone’s life. I don’t know because I only live my life.

Bipolar Disorder

Of course, having the ups and downs of bipolar doesn’t help either. And I don’t know what it’s like to have a good day or a bad day without bipolar because I’ve had this disorder my entire life. Maybe the downs in my life wouldn’t seem so catastrophic if I didn’t have bipolar disorder? And yes, I’m on medications for this, but there isn’t a cure.

Sunshine definitely helps more than rainy gray days. It chases that black cloud away.

My Domicile Has Sprung A Leak

I have been down the last week. The rain hasn’t helped my sadness. It adds to it. Then to be sleeping in my truck and hearing a drip, drip, drip coming from within. Oh, this is not good! My back windows are leaking. I throw up my hands and really start sobbing. Why is this happening to me?! Why can’t I find housing? I’m looking elsewhere, outside of my county. I’ve filled out several applications now, all over the state.

Breathe

And then I take a deep breath and remember that God will not give me more than I can handle. There are homeless people everywhere in dire straits, in far worse conditions than me. Some don’t have vehicles, or even tents. Some are out in this pouring rain without even a coat.

Movies

I recently found out that I could get a membership to Prime for 50% off with my EBT card. For those who don’t know what EBT or SNAP benefits are – they’re food stamps. I still pay for the Prime, but it’s half off. I think this just saved my life. I know this sounds ironic – how can movies save someone’s life? Well, it’s like entering a dreamland during the day. It makes life suck a little less. It passes the time. Especially when it’s raining outside, and there’s literally nothing to do.

Mockingjay

When my world seemed to be crashing down, I watched Mockingjay part II. I wasn’t sure if I had seen it or not. I read all of the Hunger Games books and saw the movies. But again, couldn’t remember if I saw this one. So, I rented it. I paid $3.99 to watch it… and as soon as it started, I remembered that I did in fact watch it. But it was good that I watched it again… because the end of the movie, is what I needed to see. (If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m not going to give anything away.)

I’m Thankful For

  1. My Dad and brother
  2. Hot meals at my father’s home
  3. Hot showers at my father’s house
  4. My pets – Halo, Roscoe, Abygayle
  5. My 4runner
  6. The air that I breathe
  7. The sunshine when it’s not raining
  8. The church parking lot that gives me a safe place to park and electricity
  9. Money that allows me to buy food for my pets, clothes to keep me warm, coffee
  10. My sight that allows me to capture the beauty around me
  11. My hearing (although it’s diminished) to hear the birds and sea lions, my cat when she meows at me, my dogs when they bark.
  12. And Jesus, my Lord, my Savior – who gives me hope. ♥️

The Rose

The stillness of the night wears on…

a young girl sits in the dark shadows

her memories slowly arise from the past

to enter the confused mind of death

tears slowly escape from her eyes, roll down

and land in a puddle, of the Earth.

~

as rain trickles down the rose petals

they crystallize on the thorns

gracefully, they then drop into the puddle

~

the young girl reaches down

she gently picks up the rose

in her bewilderment, she lets out a scream

of dismay of the lies, she lives in

her fingers pricked, endless blood.

~~~

Written by Beth Malbon, 1986

Collage made with rose image from Google and various blood drops from several images, also from Google

Alone

Feeling so alone

In a world of hurt

I cry to the skies

That someday, I’ll be healed

~

Until then, I struggle

With fear and pain

Hoping one day

To catch the real meaning

Of why I was brought here

~

As I pick up the rose

My feelings are pricked

By the thorns of evil.

~

As I watch the blood pour

From my wounds

Will I ever heal?

~

Or will I be kept numb

In this forgotten world

Of never ending hurt?

~~~

Written by Beth Malbon, 1985

Collage made from free downloads from Get Drawings and Shutter Stock 648154420

Abandoned

I was left in the dark

no where to turn

lost and headed in no direction

~

My heart aches

My tears fall

Is there no way out?

Will I find an answer?

Or will I always be lost?

~~~

Blood floods my heart

Tears fall from my eyes

But my love for you remains

~

How can this be?

Is it that you’re special?

Is it that you’re a friend?

~

Yes, both and more…

~

I could be lying on the floor

And you’d save me, you care

Don’t hide it, I’ll find it.

~~~

Written by Beth Malbon, 1985

Photo Credit: Shutter stock image 99772070 and image from Pinterest: 12 creepiest abandoned prisons on Earth page 14 of 35

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