I don’t know what year the black cloud started following me. Maybe it follows you, too? Maybe no one has a good day following a good day every day, every week, every month, every year? Maybe life is just hard for everyone.
I look back and it seems that every year as far as I can remember is awful. But there are good days mixed with the bad ones. Maybe this is true of life. Maybe this is true for everyone’s life. I don’t know because I only live my life.
Of course, having the ups and downs of bipolar doesn’t help either. And I don’t know what it’s like to have a good day or a bad day without bipolar because I’ve had this disorder my entire life. Maybe the downs in my life wouldn’t seem so catastrophic if I didn’t have bipolar disorder? And yes, I’m on medications for this, but there isn’t a cure.
Sunshine definitely helps more than rainy gray days. It chases that black cloud away.
My Domicile Has Sprung A Leak
I have been down the last week. The rain hasn’t helped my sadness. It adds to it. Then to be sleeping in my truck and hearing a drip, drip, drip coming from within. Oh, this is not good! My back windows are leaking. I throw up my hands and really start sobbing. Why is this happening to me?! Why can’t I find housing? I’m looking elsewhere, outside of my county. I’ve filled out several applications now, all over the state.
And then I take a deep breath and remember that God will not give me more than I can handle. There are homeless people everywhere in dire straits, in far worse conditions than me. Some don’t have vehicles, or even tents. Some are out in this pouring rain without even a coat.
I recently found out that I could get a membership to Prime for 50% off with my EBT card. For those who don’t know what EBT or SNAP benefits are – they’re food stamps. I still pay for the Prime, but it’s half off. I think this just saved my life. I know this sounds ironic – how can movies save someone’s life? Well, it’s like entering a dreamland during the day. It makes life suck a little less. It passes the time. Especially when it’s raining outside, and there’s literally nothing to do.
When my world seemed to be crashing down, I watched Mockingjay part II. I wasn’t sure if I had seen it or not. I read all of the Hunger Games books and saw the movies. But again, couldn’t remember if I saw this one. So, I rented it. I paid $3.99 to watch it… and as soon as it started, I remembered that I did in fact watch it. But it was good that I watched it again… because the end of the movie, is what I needed to see. (If you haven’t seen the movie, I’m not going to give anything away.)
I’m Thankful For
- My Dad and brother
- Hot meals at my father’s home
- Hot showers at my father’s house
- My pets – Halo, Roscoe, Abygayle
- My 4runner
- The air that I breathe
- The sunshine when it’s not raining
- The church parking lot that gives me a safe place to park and electricity
- Money that allows me to buy food for my pets, clothes to keep me warm, coffee
- My sight that allows me to capture the beauty around me
- My hearing (although it’s diminished) to hear the birds and sea lions, my cat when she meows at me, my dogs when they bark.
- And Jesus, my Lord, my Savior – who gives me hope. ♥️